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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23076085">loud/quiet</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/meathermac/pseuds/meathermac'>meathermac</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Not Another D&amp;D Podcast (Podcast)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Canon Compliant, Character Study, Homophobia, Introspection, M/M, Non-Canon Typical Homophobia, Post-Canon, The World Is (Not) Ending, it's all projecting, technically no spoilers but you probably should avoid this if you're pretty early on</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 10:07:01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,426</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23076085</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/meathermac/pseuds/meathermac</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>He feels… different. </p><p>He feels wrong. </p><p>His armor is too tight, his hair is too long, and it’s been long enough since he and Erlin have truly been this close together that it’s the first time he’s realizing that Erlin is taller than him. Beverly, despite the fact that his brain is just telling him <i>wrong wrong wrong</i>, hugs his boyfriend even tighter and buries his face in his chest, and he shuts his eyes tight.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Erlin Kindleaf/Beverly Toegold V</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>69</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>loud/quiet</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>i wasn't going to write anything for naddpod but the chosen saga is hitting me so hard i wrote this in a blur of tears and laughter </p><p>seriously, i would die for beverly and erlin. lemme at thiala i'll fucking kill her first</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The world isn't ending and for once everything is silent. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The quiet is deafening. Beverly scrapes his sword against the ground once, twice, and the scratches ring out and they echo over</span>
</p><p>
  <span>and over</span>
</p><p>
  <span>and over again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s too quiet--no, it’s not quiet, it’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>silent</span>
  </em>
  <span>. It’s like the absence of all noise. It’s not right. He wants to hear Moonshine’s laughter, Hardwon’s teasing, he wants to hear his mom tell him that’s it’s over and they’ve won. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s over. They’ve won. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He can think it as many times as he wants, but it’ll never feel real. Beverly’s not the boy he was before the war, and he doesn’t want to have to be the boy he was during it. He doesn’t want to have to be the one holding it all together. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’s not sure where he is, not sure where everyone else is. He’s trying not to think about it because maybe they’re </span>
  <em>
    <span>dead</span>
  </em>
  <span>, maybe they’re </span>
  <em>
    <span>gone</span>
  </em>
  <span>, maybe he’s dead and he’s never gonna see them again--</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bev?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He exhales and drops his sword, letting it clatter to the ground. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Erlin.</span>
  </em>
  <span>” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The moments between when he hears his best friend--his </span>
  <em>
    <span>boyfriend</span>
  </em>
  <span>--calling his name and when they’re hugging each other aren’t important because it’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>Erlin</span>
  </em>
  <span>, and as much as he adores Hardwon and Moonshine there’s just something else about seeing him here. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m so glad you’re alive,” Beverly murmurs into his shoulder, “I’m so glad you’re alive, dude.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Erlin nods, hands tangled in Bev’s hair. “Me too.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t think I was gonna make it through,” he says, “I never thought I’d see the other side of this war. I was--I wanted--I would have let Thiala kill me first before I let this all end up in her hands.” He puts a hand on Erlin’s face because he needs to make sure he’s still there, he needs to be able to feel that he has a heartbeat and that this isn’t a hallucination, because he’s scared. He’s scared that he’ll wake up one day and he’ll be back in the Feywild hiding in Alanis’ cave, back in Frostwind fighting a dragon, and everything he’s done will be </span>
  <em>
    <span>gone.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, Bev…” Erlin gives him a soft look and Beverly </span>
  <em>
    <span>cracks.</span>
  </em>
  <span> He breaks down sobbing and he hugs his best friend tightly, thinking</span>
  <em>
    <span> please, let this be real</span>
  </em>
  <span>, and wondering why he’s still here getting to hold his boyfriend while it’s his fault so many have died for this stupid, stupid cause. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sniffles a bit and bites his lip. “I’m sorry I’m such a mess, Erlin. I’m sorry you got stuck with this broken hero of a best friend. I’m sorry I’m not celebrating.” Beverly doesn’t finish his sentence, but he wants to say </span>
  <em>
    <span>but what is there to celebrate</span>
  </em>
  <span>? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t owe me any apologies, man. Not one.” He tilts his head to the side thoughtfully. “Okay, well, maybe one apology. But you don’t have to apologize for being the hero, Bev, okay?” Erlin says firmly and he nods. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why did I get to live?” he asks in a small voice. "Why me?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Erlin rests his forehead on Beverly's and sighs tiredly; of course, he's tired, they're all tired, it was the end of the goddamned world. "You didn't </span>
  <em>
    <span>get</span>
  </em>
  <span> to live, you </span>
  <em>
    <span>deserve </span>
  </em>
  <span>to live because you have a lot of life left, man." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The world isn't ending and everything is </span>
</p><p>
  <span>so </span>
</p><p>
  <span>damn </span>
</p><p>
  <span>quiet</span>
</p><p>
  <span>but Erlin is telling him that he's got a lot of life left and his heart is loud, loud, </span>
  <em>
    <span>loud</span>
  </em>
  <span>, and all of a sudden they're kissing and the world is </span>
</p><p>
  <span>loud </span>
</p><p>
  <span>loud </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>loud</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>He can feel himself crying but he doesn't care, and Erlin tastes like salt and sticky buns and </span>
  <em>
    <span>home. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Beverly doesn't know where home is anymore because Galaderon is gone, but here in Erlin's arms, he feels like he's home. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He feels… different. He feels </span>
  <em>
    <span>wrong</span>
  </em>
  <span>. His armor is too tight, his hair is too long, and it’s been long enough since he and Erlin have truly been this close together that it’s the first time he’s realizing that Erlin is taller than him. Beverly, despite the fact that his brain is just telling him </span>
  <em>
    <span>wrong wrong wrong</span>
  </em>
  <span>, hugs his boyfriend even tighter and buries his face in his chest, and he shuts his eyes tight. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>*</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was years ago in Galaderon when Beverly first remembers calling Erlin his boyfriend, and back then they weren’t dating. He didn’t even think that he liked </span>
  <em>
    <span>anyone</span>
  </em>
  <span>, let alone boys, let alone </span>
  <em>
    <span>Erlin</span>
  </em>
  <span>. He was ten years old and the kids in his church group were asking him if he had a girlfriend, and Erlin was on vacation with his family so Bev was alone with the other boys in the youth group. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They wanted to know if there was a girl he liked. Ever confused, Beverly told them that he had a friend named Cran who was a girl. They asked him if he wanted to date her, and he wrinkled his nose and said, “Ew, no, gross! Cran’s my </span>
  <em>
    <span>friend!</span>
  </em>
  <span> I don’t want to date her!” Someone says that that’s all a girlfriend is, and he responds with “Well, if that’s true, then I guess Erlin’s my </span>
  <em>
    <span>boyfriend.</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>One of the older boys scoffed at him and Beverly heard him whisper to the boy next to him, “Yeah, of </span>
  <em>
    <span>course, </span>
  </em>
  <span>he’s friends with the Kindleaf kid. Betcha they’re both queers.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He doesn’t know what that word means and it sounds mean, so when he gets back from the youth group, Beverly takes the first opportunity he can and asks his parents, “What does queer mean?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His mom drops her knitting needles and his dad starts coughing loudly, and they both tell him that it’s a mean word and that they’ll explain it when he’s older. It’s wholly unsatisfying, and he says so to Erlin when he returns, who agrees and suggests they ask his older sister. Egwene is 14 at the time and much cooler than Bev and Erlin and even Cran, so they assume that she’ll know. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When they ask Egwene, her eyes harden and she snaps, “Who said that to you? Were they being mean or were they just saying it?” Bev tells her they sounded mean and she gets </span>
  <em>
    <span>mad</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If anyone says that to you again, tell me and I’ll kick their a--butt.” She softens a bit and says, “And tell them that there’s no problem with it. None at all.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Egwene, true to her word, is grounded for two weeks for cursing out someone in her class for calling Erlin a “homo”. They don’t really know what that means either, but Bev’s grateful no matter what.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>*</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That seems so insignificant standing here after fighting a god. They’re not Green Teens anymore going to youth group, they’re not going to camp and earning badges, and Beverly likes to think that the boys who used to make fun of him and Erlin for being gay wouldn’t stand a chance against the two of them now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The older he got and the more he learned about being queer and being gay made him angrier, because who could possibly care about who he liked to make out with during his free time when there were wars to fight and gods to worship? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Standing here at the (almost) end of the world, it just makes him sad. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’s fought gods. He’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>killed </span>
  </em>
  <span>gods. He stopped the world from ending. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Would they have still made fun of him if they’d known that then? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Does it matter? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The world isn’t ending. The world is still spinning on its axis and here Beverly is, one of its saviors, thinking about the one time some boys were kind of homophobic. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’s screwed up too much to get to enjoy this moment, and yet he </span>
  <em>
    <span>does</span>
  </em>
  <span>, he </span>
  <em>
    <span>revels </span>
  </em>
  <span>in it, because Erlin’s right. He’s got a lot of life left to live, and goddamn it, he wants to live it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The world is loud now, and his heartbeat drums in his ears, a steady beat as he kisses Erlin with more fervor than he has </span>
  <em>
    <span>ever</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Bev thinks. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The world is loud now, and he can hear Moonshine laughing uproariously at something, he can hear the Queenshammer slam into the ground like Mjolnir, he can hear the chatter of his friends and it’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>loud </span>
  </em>
  <span>and </span>
  <em>
    <span>wonderful</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And damn him if this isn’t where he wants to start it all over, in his boyfriend’s arms with his best friends next to him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The world isn’t ending, it’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>beginning</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hope you liked it! follow me on tumblr [@mydicegotcursed] for mediocre d&amp;d content and occasionally some other stuff </p><p>lichen, commerce, and scribble :D</p></blockquote></div></div>
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